Spent about a couple of hours walking in the drizzle during the night earlier.. There's something really therapeutic about feeling the raindrops against my skin, the splatter against the top of my head, raindrops dripping along my face, the smell and sensation of rain around me.. A timely reminder that the world is as real as the thoughts going through my mind..

Spent some time thinking about recent events.. Particularly on this feeling I'm having.



Maybe. It would have been best if I never felt anything for you. If I don't feel any attraction towards you. It would have been less distracting and conflicting for me. Maybe it was never meant to be, I was never meant to like you or be together with you.

But now that I do have these feelings, maybe the best thing for me to do is to move on. To accept that these feelings I have for you are most likely unreciprocated. To let you go, and watch you walk away with another man you truly deserve.

Life is a journey, watching the story of our lives unfold right before our very eyes as we live each day. Perhaps I'm not in yours, and this is how mine plays out. Watching and letting go, time after time. You are probably just another chapter in my story, and it's time that this chapter closes.



I always thought it would be so much easier to live my life making the people around me happy. I guess I'm too naive to believe that way, even though I still truly want to. I rather live through the pain myself, and hope that you live yours happy and fulfilled. You belong to someone better.

Life is unfair. Fate seems cruel. But I can take it. I can tolerate it.
Because I want to, for the sake of you, and everyone else around me.
Because God will want me to.




~I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight~

(I still hope I'm wrong, that this chapter doesn't end. But no point prolonging the pain)

Confusion.

Just a mere state of mind?

Or an indication about what I truly feel?

What do I truly feel then?

In times like these, I feel the most helpless. No one to turn to but God Himself. And yet the answers are still not seemingly clear.

Perhaps I should take charge of my life and do what would be right of me to do. But that's still a selfish thought. Do I not care?

And yet, I know this is what I would really want. I would be lying if I were to say I don't feel anything about it, or not having any hopes. At the same time I know this is not for me to decide, and is beyond my control.

So what should I feel then? And what should I do about it?

Early this morning, I bade farewell to my maternal grandma, the last grandparent in my immediate family..

I've never met my grandfathers, both paternal and maternal. I was told they passed away around the period I was born, or before, somewhere along that line.. My paternal grandma passed away 12 years ago, and now my maternal grandma. For them to live for decades without their husbands by their side must have been really lonely and hard on them.. Yet they strongly lived on with love for their family and children, and to us their grandchildren. Their strength and resilience and lovingness are unrelenting and admirable.. My great regret is not spending more time with them and talking to them and learning from them. Last time I seen my grandma was 2 weeks ago at the hospital, for a brief 15 minutes. I should have taken more time out to visit her at the hospital, to see her again..

Yet in that 15 minutes I could see her energy, the life in her body. Pained, but still fighting. And in peace. She knew it wasn't long for her time to come, yet she did not let it get to her. She was a stubborn old lady all these years, who fought to live her life without constraints, even in pain. I could feel her warmth in her hands and voice, as she grabbed onto mine and called my name, and tried to talk to me. She lived her last days still fighting, stubbornly refusing to give in, and went away peacefully.

Dear grandma, thank you for everything. Your love, kindness, and resilience. We weren't extremely close, but looking at you living through these 20 odd years have taught me so much more. I pray that you'll be headed to a better place, one where pain and hurt doesn't exist anymore, and that you'll be with your loved ones, where you'll be surrounded by joy and love.

May you rest in peace.

Love.

A little bit of thanksgiving:

Thank You Lord, for the little joys in life, to let me see the wonderful world You have placed me in, the beauty of all these that surrounds me.

Thank You Lord, for the little obstacles and setbacks You have brought me through, to live life to the fullest and grow stronger everyday.

Thank You Lord, for the little disappointments and sadness You have seen me through, to learn and understand the imperfections of myself, to grow out of my little sheltered life, to learn compassion and empathy through my own struggles and to humble me everyday.

Thank You Lord, for the little things in this life that You put me through, to show me Your patience, compassion, love, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, maturity. To mould me into the very man You want me to be. To grow and to nurture me. I pray for ever more of such little things, that You may continue to challenge me, to grow, to nurture, to change me and to see me mature in this life.

Thank You Lord, for the people you have put around me, to push me and challenge me beyond myself, to love me and criticise me, to guide me and point out the errors in my ways, to be there for me in my strongest and weakest moments.

Thank You Lord, for everything. I'm sorry for being a disappointing child. Mould me and grow me into the man You desire for me to become. I pray for Your guidance and presence to come fill my life, and bring me back closer to you.

Thank You Lord.

Now is totally not a good time to feel this way..

End of Riga WCG. End of an amazing journey.

Thank you everyone for making this trip. For the hard work, the emotions, the music, the efforts. You know who you are, and I greatly appreciate everyone.

Thank You God for your providence and blessings amidst all of this. Thank You for everything.

Time: 02:55am

It's been slightly under an hour since I woke up in the middle of the night.. And I can't go back to sleep..

I sure hope I'm not subconsciously thinking about anyone...

Sigh

I lost 6 consecutive dota matches in the last 2 days...

I am extremely sad now :(

Whatever I get, or happens tomorrow..

Thank You Lord for everything in the last half a year!

Apparently, I'm a 疼老婆的好男人. 

Totally should advertise myself as such...

I haven't stayed out till 11 in a long while.. Let alone chatting with people so many years younger than I am..

Guess there's always a first for everything

Billy Joel - And So It Goes

In every heart there is a room.

A sanctuary safe and strong

Soooo, I've gotten around to feeding the fish in the banner on my blog to entertain myself and try to force myself to feel tired and sleepy..

Doesn't bode well for my sleep debt..

So, tonight marks the last concert, and the last opportunity I will have to sing with such a wonderful group of people. It's been an amazing journey these past three years.. lots of joy, lots of tears, lots of frustration, lots of other intense moments.

Thank you all for everything that has happened. The wonderful music, the wonderful friendship, the wonderful times during concerts, and even during Portugal. I will miss those times, and I will definitely miss everyone of you, for all that you have been to me.

As I stood and sang during my last practice session, all these memories came back to me momentarily and I wished that I could forever stay to make more of such wonderful memories together. It hit me hard that I would be leaving this amazing group in just another day. And for that moment, I don't want that day to end.

I have run out of words in my vocabulary (thanks to my lousy command of English), and I don't have a million and one ways to describe the gratitude I have towards all of you for these wonderful memories. A simple and the most sincerest thank you all is all I have for each and everyone of you.

And Thank You Lord, for this amazing opportunity and journey in the last three years. Thank You for your abundant love and blessings for me, and for this group that You have put in my life.

And so tonight, I will give my all to contribute in what little ways I can for this last concert. Here's to another amazing concert and amazing night, and let's wow the audiences once again.

Hopefully, I will be back again, stronger, better and more capable. When will that day be, I don't know. Hopefully it won't take too long. But you all will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will yearn for that day to come when I can once again make good music with you all.

Till then, keep on singing and making the sublime music you make. I will always love everyone of you, and the music you make.

Thank you, and Thank You.