weakness....

It's hard to learn to let things go..

It's probably harder to learn to not hold on to those things..

"If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy.. Even if you wind up being left out"~~~

pity the world..

It's falling to immorality and lack of values...

Why, be so self-centred? :(

fact: it is INCREDIBLY RUDE to just change the channel on the TV and lie down on the couch to watch your programme when someone else was already playing game on it.. and when that person wants to return to his game after pausing for AN HOUR JUST FOR YOU, it's REPULSIVELY RUDE to not budge..

As it goes, physics did not go as well as I hoped for..

What a way to end the module..

And I fear the same for the rest of my modules..

I don't know why, I keep telling myself not to get so preoccupied with results, and learn to enjoy the uni life by doing what I like and enjoy, rather than bury myself in studies, because this is, after all, the last few years I can actually afford to do so..

But somehow, my mindset keeps going back to the results-oriented attitude.. Deep down, I yearn for that A, just to prove something..

But prove what? I really have no idea.. Prove that I'm capable in my studies? Prove that I'm smart?

Do I really need that? Is that endless chase for good cap the ultimate goal I wish to achieve in this 4 years? I wonder how long more must I remain conflicted before I make up my decision...

Its fruitless....

looking back, things have changed..

life has moved on.. the friends I interacted with changed.. The group of people I hang around with changed..

everyone has moved on..

my old cell blog is still in my blogger dashboard.. went back to take a look, and lots of fond memories came back to me.. the days back in school when we'd have CG on Thursday evenings.. the Saturdays when we'll have lunch together, then go for service, and then dinner after that together again.. the random outings we have to steamboats, basketball, chitchat and simple gatherings..

memories of the people there came back as well.. still vividly remember the same core group of people.. and some fleeting memories of people whom I've seen only a couple of times and never really interacted much.. a few years on, quite a lot has changed.. some have become quite distant, some are now actively serving in the various ministries in Hope, others are either MIA or I have no idea how their lives are going..

life goes on..

always cherish the people you've hung out with before.. some of them could have the greatest influence in your life that you probably never knew.. although with time, some of these relationships will inevitably change, but in the moment when we were together, I had learnt some of my greatest lessons with and from these people..

so thank you all my different friends, whom I've spent much of my time in the past with.. life certainly has meaning with you all making a difference in my life. even though we might never meet or hang out like we used to, know that at least for even that brief moment of interaction, you've left a part of yourself in my fondest memories.

not having a girlfriend, doesn't mean not having a social life, or giving a bad impression, ornot appreciating and enjoying life..

it simply means..

just not having a girlfriend..

don't think too much or get influenced by stupid thoughts of needing one...

strangely, you've just.. disappeared..

no idea where or when or what.. no returning messages, no email, no fb msgs.. no activity..

just gone..

where?

is this what you wish for us? total contact-less.... avoiding..

why??

4/10

that's the number of questions i ACTUALLY got correct...

assuming the other 5 questions which i randomly shaded the answers...

I FLUNKED LIKE SHIT

screw maths.. screw me...

MATHS!!! WHYYYY :(:(

i can't believe it.. im utterly disgusted and disappointed at myself..

how and whY! its just pure stupidity! what the hell's wrong with me!!!

SUCKS man JUST SUCKS.. I IS FAILZ

:'( :'(

sigghhhh sucks day... just crappy....






NYTIMES PERSONALITY QUIZ: TECH GURU
You are something of a traditionalist in your attitude to life and the perfectionist in you is constantly seeking the ideal blend of formality and pleasure in your lifestyle. Your down to earth nature and sense of structure is what makes it attainable. You like to be challenged by thought provoking subjects and tend to find out all the facts before forming your own opinion.

You have an inquisitive mind and possess an irresistible urge to experiment with everything around you. You're a real get-up-and-go kind of person who likes to keep at least one finger on the pulse of everything that's hot and happening from the latest movies and sport to the coolest technologies and gadgets. A true entertainment junkie, there's no chance of you ever getting bored and you're always the first to get your hands on some shiny new gizmo that's going to revolutionize your life. You have a realistic outlook on what you can achieve and enjoy attention to detail in most aspects of your life. You shouldn't miss David Pogue - you can find him on nytimes.com through his columns, videos or weekly e-mail.

I believe in the sun, even when its not shining.
I believe in love, even when I do not feel it.~~

just rambling... I'm more or less dead for midterms this week... perhaps finding such quotes to distract myself to the happiness of life rather than the depressing state of my studies...

願心中永遠留著我的笑容
伴你走過每一個春夏秋冬

"The irony is that Jesus knew who would desert Him, and yet this did not dictate how He treated them." -Living Life 22/9

I pray I have that tolerance...

was reading a friend's tumblr when i came across the depressing portraits of closed bookstores..

admittedly, I was never a fan of bookstores or libraries or book cafes or any of that sort.. In my mind, I would rather spend the time chilling either at home, or taking a stroll or just spending my time outside alone or with friends.. Books was never made a big part of my life, majority of which is my fault..

Yes I hated reading, I hated the idea that my eyes have to scan through all those hundreds upon thousands of characters and texts and words, and then having to process them in my head into a form of literary expressions I can understand.. I found reading more of a chore than a joy, simply because..

I. Was. Too. Lazy. To. Read..

Or so I thought..

I often envied and respected people who rave on about how they get such satisfaction reading this book, or that book, or how much they really want to squeeze the time outside of their already hectic schedules just to sit down and read a particular book they just got and really just enjoy the peace and joy of reading..

Envied, because, deep down inside, I really wanted to be like them, being able to just grab a book and immerse myself into a world of "literary bliss", to be so engaged in the writer's expression and just be oblivious to my surroundings, engaging myself in the world of literature and expressions..

Respect, because these people are able to express themselves in a way far beyond my league, to be able to express fully their thoughts and ideas, using all those different forms of literary expressions they picked up from years of reading..

Seeing all those portraits of closed bookstores, I start to regret why I hadn't actually pushed myself to read more.. There's a sense of, perhaps loss I should say, that I've probably wasted more hours doing nothing than actually making the effort to even read a book from cover to cover.. There are still stacks of books lying around in shelves at home that haven't been touched in ages, books that I started reading since primary school, but have yet to be finished even till today..

And outside, bookstores are already struggling to make a decent living, given all these competition and hype over e-books and appstores offering books for purchase. Yes, I do agree that no e-books or digital books ever come close to the experience of opening a physical book and lounging on the sofa flipping through the pages..

Maybe one day, just that one day, I might find that joy in reading that I've always envied..

perhaps..

" friends keep u happy. TRUE friends tell truths that may make u sad now, but will make u happy in the long run. :)" -anonymous

true friends tell truth that may make you sad, but not shame you in public by disguising an accused criticism as a harmless fun joke, that is just a joke gone bad and which has crossed the line..

true friends give you HONEST criticism, and i have no problems accepting honest criticism, but not baseless accusations and criticisms about my character and personality, because that is just a harmful personal attack.. i do joke about it and accept the jokes even when its done in my face, but to do it behind someone's back is just plain sly and disrespectful..

BUT! even if i dislike what he has done, i still respect him because he has the guts to talk to me and apologise and admit his fault, and still be willing to clear the misunderstanding and learn from his mistake. granted i have a part to play in this misunderstanding and commotion, but at least he's willing to listen to how i feel and understand the appropriateness of the situation with respect to other's viewpoints. this is what a TRUE FRIEND really is, someone who is honest with you, and unashamed and humble in his character to know where he crossed the line and still be repentant about it. its not only about truths that make you sad or happy in the long run..

so, mr anonymous, please don't make superficial statements like that, please rethink your idea of a true friend, because you're degrading the true value of what true friendship really stands for, and it makes me sick to think that you can be so misconstrued to that level.

new perspective, new view.. I'm immensely happy and proud of you, respect..

God has been good, not just to me..

please see it..

thank you.. your life and events have been a thorough affirmation for me, an insight to His glory and love that I really need to see again for myself

all the best

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8

yes, us men have emotions too.. after awhile, something needs to come out... let it out to God..

but even if there's noone who bothers to listen to you, what's the point...

even when i find solace in God..

i can't find solace in the group..

even when i find security in God..

I can't find security in the group..

even when i sensitize myself to God..

i can't desensitize myself to the group...

is this supposed to be right? i don't feel like it is..

i don't know why..

my mind is in a mess..

there's something wrong.. i lost confidence, i lost self-esteem, i seem to lose any shred of hope i have of myself..

the strange thing is, i know it's wrong..

but why am i not doing anything about it? where's my willpower? where's God's voice telling me what/how i should be doing about it?

where's my self-consciousness ?

i'm feeling distant even towards myself.. i don't seem to get what's in me or in my head.. i seem, different, even to myself..

where am i heading to?

WHO can i turn to?

precisely.. WHO?

God, so i kneel before You.. it's just You and me, my heart and soul and spirit..

no sorry, it's not even about me..

God, so i kneel before You.. YOU shall show me and tell me..

YOU alone shall be my answer..

The best way of removing negativity is to laugh and be joyous.

-David Icke

because..

a third of me wants to tell..

a third of me can't bring myself to tell..

the last third of me is just indifferent..

"Another interesting characteristic of children is that they have no problems asking or receiving. Their general nature is a trusting nature. They're so strong in it, it becomes a boldness that is remarkable. They have no hesitation, because they know the giving, loving nature of their parents. Their parents love them and want to give to them.

God wants His children to be like that. He desires them to be so secure in His presence that they come freely to Him in total confidence, knowing that as their Father, He will care for them in every area of their lives. He wants them to have faith that He will give to them and provide for their needs."

-Effective Fervent Prayer by Mary Alice Isleib-

how awesome and amazing!

slightly less than a month left..

am i prepared? not exactly sure.. it's been almost since i last picked up my physics text to read.. and now i'm gonna face more physics for the next 4 years, not exactly sure if i'm gonna enjoy or be bored by it..

but at least God has been kind to open doors wherever i go.. i guess if this is the way to go, then i should be at least happy about this decision..nothing much i can do about it anyway, so i'm just gonna take a big step forward and do the best i can...

CHIONG AH

"Drinking beer is easy. Trashing your hotel room is easy. But being a Christian, that's a tough call. That's real rebellion!"

" Yeah, well, it was funny. If was like, you know... When I did take the cure for alcohol, which by the way was not a cure, it was a healing. I came out of the hospital never, ever being tempted by a drink, never, ever being like in the least bit, under the worst stress, ever thinking about taking a drink, never went to AA. Everybody's sitting there going, "Wow, what great willpower." I have no willpower. I came out and it was a total... It was a healing. My dad was a pastor, my grandad was a pastor, my wife's father is a pastor, and I'm Christian now. It was a... people say, "There are no miracles," and I go, "Oh, yes there are." I'm a walking miracle because I was the worst alcoholic you could imagine, and 24 years I haven't had, not a drop."

-Alice Cooper (wikipedia)

yale asked: what's my meaning in life..

chim no? I haven't really thought about it actually, like really sat down to think about it..
the question caught me by surprise, because I think, it's time that I actually thought about it, like seriously..

I guess for me, most importantly is to live a contented life.. I have dreams and passion, I work towards my dreams and passions, but I don't want to get sucked into the endless cycle of work and life.. I guess I've been blessed much by God to be able to live so comfortably and contented with the blessings He has given.. what better family can I have? what better friends can I ask for? what better dreams and passions and opportunities can I hope for?

I don't have big dreams or aspirations.. people say to chase your dreams and be ambitious, but I'm not one to go all out.. Not that I don't strive to achieve or do my best.. But everytime I look back at my past, I feel contented at how everything has unfolded..

To me, I try to just be appreciative at what God has done and is doing in my life... and perhaps to make the world a better and happier place to live in for the people around me.. it doesn't matter if certain things don't work out the way I want or hope for, sometimes I fail, whether be it studies, work, family, relationships.. but I look forward to what tomorrow brings, and I'm happy to have reached so far ahead in life..

What makes me happy and contented is probably much of seeing the people around me are happy and contented as well.. spreading the joy, sharing the pains, fighting the sorrows, whatever it takes to make people cheer up.. my sadness is not worth other people's happiness, and as much as I can, I tend to keep my emotions to myself so that I can share in other people's happiness.. and seeing them happy helps me to get myself back on my feet, and to realise what joy and contentment really means to me..

So, have I answered the question? maybe, maybe not.. but at least now I know what I really look forward to in my life, and what really matters to me probably..

and as it happened before and will always happen..

both DSTA and NUS rejected my scholarship app

I'm gonna pay my way through uni...

:)

I’ve been away for awhile
I gave my word when I returned
And I come back with a smile,
And I don’t come back at all
The World is throwing blows,
But I ain’t backing off
Everybody claiming they want to grow,
But they just slacking off
It took a lot of years to put the hood behind me
The best advice I got was that I had to find me
Another day, another challenge
I never thought I’d see the day I’d be rewarded for my talents

And if you ever call up,
And say you fell down
It feels good that I can finally help them all up
I’m doing well now,
Let’s go to the mall now
We ain’t gotta split the bill,
I told you I got all us
Came a long way from those ghettos on the east coast
The 7th letter, 6 number, flying high who needs coach
I miss my son up in my arms, miss my homies, miss my mom’s
So home cooking with the bomb

This once’s for all my people in the struggle,
Unemployed or working double shifts,
Take your head and lift it in the air,
One fist in the air
Reach for the stars, you’re almost there,
You can’t make it, I’ve been there,
You can’t take it, I’ve been there
Given that all the hope is gone,
Find something to focus on,
You need motivation,
That’s the reason why we play this song
To let you know you’re not out in this World on your own,
And the only time you’re going back,
Is when you’re going home

im super happy and proud of y'all

I realised that, the true meaning of the rioHC spirit, is not just about singing or music-making, whether be it individually or just in any group..

It is about the passion and love for singing, with the people you love and trust, the ones you really don't mind spending all day long breaking out into songs and random sing-alongs... On the stage, the connection you feel with the people on stage with you, with the conductor, with the audience, is just really immense.

It is really the rioHC spirit, it's the rioHC family.. it's hard to put a finger on it, but when it happens, somehow we know and feel it deeply within us, whether we're up on stage, or just listening to them from down below..

Where the heart really is. Another Home.

It'll probably be impossible for me to stay away from rioHC and voices. It's too big a deal to give it up.. I'll never miss it for the world...

Music can really do what words cannot. Expressions of passion, family, togetherness.. That is our spirit, that is the spirit of rioHC.

thank you for the music, for the love, for spreading the joy of music to everyone out there..

thank you for the passion, the family, the conviction, the spirit.

thank you for everything

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming

I need God..

like really really..

ABSOLUTELY NEED GOD

cut me, do I not bleed?
poison me, do I not die?
rob me, do I not take revenge?

only human.. the flesh is weak..

the mind succumbs..

not giving up?

nonsense..

evidently, I'm not strong enough to move on alone..

for something so simple, it's actually quite hard to get it off inside of me..

turned to prayers to work, but I guess it's just me...

a wound left untreated properly never heals... a scar across the heart that inflicts hurt and pain, and I wince at every moment the wound opens wider and wider...

may God heal...