I guess I'm not good enough to ever know

Life isn't exactly smooth always.

Sometimes, people f-s up. Intentionally or not, people do. They lie, they hide, they avoid, they demean.

Sometimes, we ourselves f- up. Again, intentionally or not.

We do it, cos we're human. We innately feel the need to protect ourselves, to rationalise that, "hey, I shouldn't need to be subjected to ______"
But in the process we hurt people, and ourselves.

I guess what's most important for all of us humans to learn is the awareness of our conscience. Learning to see the error of our ways, and be prepared to get called out, or call ourselves out for that bullshit.

Honesty really can help in so many ways. Building communications, building friendships, clearing misunderstandings, moving on.

And many times, it is the people who are so different from you and I, who can offer the perspective that we miss on our own, to unf- our lives. It's an intervention, directly doing it for the person at stake.

And tonight was the biggest relief I've felt for having someone intervene to unf- my shit (and of course honoured to do the same in return)

if you happen to read this, thanks again for tonight. interesting people and dynamics, you and i. but unf-ing each other's f-ed up mistakes, that's what makes me believe that we all can get by with a little help

so can you, I'm very sure.

You go mate

I stayed up till 2 writing my thesis, and in between and after doing so, couldn't resist watching videos and reading tributes and articles about Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

I guess this week has been a rather emotional one, not just for me, but for the people of this nation. We lost a founding father, a figure whom I've grown up watching, reading and learning about, but never really knowing the man.

Over the years, I've built an image of this figure in my head. Powerful, assertive, sharp, intelligent, old but somewhat invincible. Yes, for a time, I've truly felt nothing could ever keep this man away from Singapore, and nothing could ever stop him or bring him down.

In the last few years, this image soften. Fatherly, tender, caring, loving, frail. Human. After all, he is still a human.

A big one at that.

This week, tributes from all over, articles and recordings and videos of all his past rallies, speeches and public discussions brought the first image of him back. Watching him so confidently asserting his views, rallying his people, and ferociously fighting for what he believed in. And then there are the articles showing the tender and softer side of his life. His relationship with his wife, children, colleagues and co-workers, people who watch after him, and everyone in between.

I couldn't help but tear up. He was a giant among men. Fighting for a nation he took a personal stake in. Fighting his way in an arena he was thrust into. But a gentle giant he was, human and affectionate. His love to his family and to his people is filled with such passion and tenderness. He was a loving husband to his wife, and a caring father to his nation.

Over the years, culminating to this past week, I've gotten to know more about the man who shaped the very history of the place I call home. He is the culmination of both images, imposing into one. He was truly one of a kind. His life so intricately intertwined with this nation and with the lives of his people, he is truly a father to us all.

Thank you Mr Lee, for taking on this fight. For wrestling your way through this arena and for believing in Singapore. Thank you for your undying tenacity, ferociously standing up for your people,  building a nation that you've envisioned. Thank you for boldly bringing this nation out from the chaos, and into the world. Thank you for securing the stability and success of this very nation that we proudly call home.

Singapore is your very legacy, and it is not complete. But do not worry, it is time for you to rest. It is time for your children to step out and carry on this work. We will always remember your legacy, and we will learn to fight with that same fervour you taught us all to keep it growing.

Rest well Mr Lee, and rest in peace. You are with your loved one now. And a part of you will forever be in us, and in Singapore.

I guess what hurts wasn't so much your "no", but my misplaced expectations and my inability to be the one whom you're ready for.

I don't know how many more "I'm not ready" I can emotionally take.

But I guess the wise thing to do is to let go and let you find God and yourself. Perhaps things would become clearer for you by then. All I wish is for you to find what you seek, in God and in yourself, and that you're happy with everything that comes your way.

I'll always be here for you. I've always been, for 11 years. And counting.

I hope by then when you're ready, you know that I've always been by your side waiting, and praying for you to find what you seek, ready for the new journey ahead.

Hopefully, I'll be the one you know that you're ready for. And even if it's another guy, I hope you find the happiness with that man who truly deserves you, and that you are ready for.

Because I'll always be here for you, and all I wish is that you're happy with everything that comes your way.

那些年

那些年錯過的大雨
那些年錯過的愛情
好想擁抱妳　擁抱錯過的勇氣
曾經想征服全世界
到最後回首才發現
這世界滴滴點點全部都是妳

TANGIBLE GOALS OF 2015

Because knowing what to do in the year means must start with a list of things to do.. And because open-ended resolutions such as "bettering myself and being more curious" are overrated...


1) Buy one drink/coffee/tea for my friends around me
2) Open up my house more often for gatherings
3) Practice the guitar at least 6 hours a week
4) ACTUALLY performing/playing the guitar for someone
5) Praying more for my family and friends
6) Getting a job
7) Lasting at least 3 months in first job
8) First 3 months of paycheck goes to: dinner with family, dinner with miss lim and TKAL, dinner with SY XY JY, half-sponsoring MBP and tablet for brothers
9) Planning for a future family
10) If future family plans seem bleak, save up for Bhutan

Spent the last 5+ hours taking a long walk. Reflecting on everything that has happened in the past year.

In short, 2014 was a weird year. Many things happened, both good and bad. Joyous and devastating. Enlightening and disappointing.

This is the year that I will remember well. The year that I started to realize what I wanted, and finally becoming aware about the kind of person I am, and accepting the kind of person I've become, and the fate and future that awaits me. It has been a long and arduous journey, full of painful lessons, happy occurrences, and various events in between that has shaped me, or given me the chance to understand myself in a new light. 

Thank You Lord, for everything that has happened in this past year. Whether happy or sad. All things are made good in Your name. Thank You for the lessons learnt, the pains and hurts that I've recovered and grown from, the obstacles overcame, the hard work and effort rewarded, the enlightenment of myself, and the friends that have came into my life this past year. Thank You for the various closures of events in my life, to help me move on and accept things the way they are, and to accept and love myself, for everything I am and have, and in spite of everything I'm not and lack.

For 2015, I pray for strength, love, peace, contentment, joy, sorrow, pain, enlightenment, and more than enough of everything I need in my life. I pray for guidance and deliverance, and emotional strength to face the year ahead. Come what may, I pray for closure in everything I do ahead.

Goodbye 2014, and hello 2015.

Commencing, 'Operation: Bhutan if all else fails'

Spent about a couple of hours walking in the drizzle during the night earlier.. There's something really therapeutic about feeling the raindrops against my skin, the splatter against the top of my head, raindrops dripping along my face, the smell and sensation of rain around me.. A timely reminder that the world is as real as the thoughts going through my mind..

Spent some time thinking about recent events.. Particularly on this feeling I'm having.



Maybe. It would have been best if I never felt anything for you. If I don't feel any attraction towards you. It would have been less distracting and conflicting for me. Maybe it was never meant to be, I was never meant to like you or be together with you.

But now that I do have these feelings, maybe the best thing for me to do is to move on. To accept that these feelings I have for you are most likely unreciprocated. To let you go, and watch you walk away with another man you truly deserve.

Life is a journey, watching the story of our lives unfold right before our very eyes as we live each day. Perhaps I'm not in yours, and this is how mine plays out. Watching and letting go, time after time. You are probably just another chapter in my story, and it's time that this chapter closes.



I always thought it would be so much easier to live my life making the people around me happy. I guess I'm too naive to believe that way, even though I still truly want to. I rather live through the pain myself, and hope that you live yours happy and fulfilled. You belong to someone better.

Life is unfair. Fate seems cruel. But I can take it. I can tolerate it.
Because I want to, for the sake of you, and everyone else around me.
Because God will want me to.




~I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight~

(I still hope I'm wrong, that this chapter doesn't end. But no point prolonging the pain)

Confusion.

Just a mere state of mind?

Or an indication about what I truly feel?

What do I truly feel then?

In times like these, I feel the most helpless. No one to turn to but God Himself. And yet the answers are still not seemingly clear.

Perhaps I should take charge of my life and do what would be right of me to do. But that's still a selfish thought. Do I not care?

And yet, I know this is what I would really want. I would be lying if I were to say I don't feel anything about it, or not having any hopes. At the same time I know this is not for me to decide, and is beyond my control.

So what should I feel then? And what should I do about it?

Early this morning, I bade farewell to my maternal grandma, the last grandparent in my immediate family..

I've never met my grandfathers, both paternal and maternal. I was told they passed away around the period I was born, or before, somewhere along that line.. My paternal grandma passed away 12 years ago, and now my maternal grandma. For them to live for decades without their husbands by their side must have been really lonely and hard on them.. Yet they strongly lived on with love for their family and children, and to us their grandchildren. Their strength and resilience and lovingness are unrelenting and admirable.. My great regret is not spending more time with them and talking to them and learning from them. Last time I seen my grandma was 2 weeks ago at the hospital, for a brief 15 minutes. I should have taken more time out to visit her at the hospital, to see her again..

Yet in that 15 minutes I could see her energy, the life in her body. Pained, but still fighting. And in peace. She knew it wasn't long for her time to come, yet she did not let it get to her. She was a stubborn old lady all these years, who fought to live her life without constraints, even in pain. I could feel her warmth in her hands and voice, as she grabbed onto mine and called my name, and tried to talk to me. She lived her last days still fighting, stubbornly refusing to give in, and went away peacefully.

Dear grandma, thank you for everything. Your love, kindness, and resilience. We weren't extremely close, but looking at you living through these 20 odd years have taught me so much more. I pray that you'll be headed to a better place, one where pain and hurt doesn't exist anymore, and that you'll be with your loved ones, where you'll be surrounded by joy and love.

May you rest in peace.

Love.